Perspective | Carolyn Hax: Is it okay to meet up with a male friend and not tell your jealous boyfriend? - The Washington Post
Because I'm not technically doing anything wrong, does the adage "What they don't know won't hurt them" hold true? I just want to avoid fighting with my boyfriend about spending time with a friend, even if he is male.
— Are There Any Little White Lies?
Are There Any Little White Lies?: Curious. Do you enjoy having to build a little shield of rationalizations, omissions, justifications and defiance, just to do one innocent thing you have an absolute right to do?
And does your relationship offer anything that justifies the eggshell-walking required?
If yes, does your answer change if you're blunt about the cost? Because with every jealous flare-up, he's calling you cheap, dishonest, unworthy of his trust.
Your only defense against these attacks on you — and make no mistake, his jealousy is an attack, of a kind known to escalate — is your confidence in yourself. You feel like a good person. You know it's his insecurity, and that his fears are baseless.
So now you keep your secret date-that-isn't-a-date with your college friend, and what do you have? You have proof you're a sneak, and he has confirmation that you and other men are a combination not to be trusted.
Do you still have the facts of a platonic friendship and an innocent meeting to rest on? Sure.
Sure, but. There's this deception, this thing you can't mention. This technical something wrong.
People see bad relationships and they wonder, how does she/he not recognize how bad things are?
The answer: For some, it's emotionally what they know and subconsciously seek. For others, things seem normal at first, then get worse in such small increments — a fight here, an accusation there, a "little white" lie to bypass accusations and fights, a bigger lie to yourself that this is a healthy way to behave, an idiotic but well-meaning friend who assures you, "Relationships are hard work" — and you don't even see yourself dating (and becoming) someone you don't really like.
Please see it. See it so you can get out.
Carolyn: Aren't white lies sometimes worth it to "keep the peace"?
For example: I was late for lunch with my fiancee because a meeting ran over. I told her I was meeting with a co-worker, and she got really angry. She said if I'd been meeting with my boss, she wouldn't have been so angry. So next time, shouldn't I say the meeting was with my boss?
— White Lies
White Lies: Sure, if living to appease a controlling, irrational wife is the life you've dreamed about.
She expects you to live your life by her arbitrary rules. You, rightly, plan to live as you choose. So which sounds more honorable — doing that in the open, or behind her back?
Dear Carolyn: How do you get an ex-girlfriend back after you've been broken up with her for several months and she is dating someone else?
— Looking to Reconnect
Looking to Reconnect: You don't "get" her back; she's not a repossessed car. You tell her — once — that you miss her and would like a chance to try again. Then you wait for her answer; if it's no, then you drop it. One thing before you approach her: Please make sure, non-delusionally, that this "reconnection" would be in the best interests of all involved. It's a disruptive thing you're considering, and so it can't just be about you, about winning, or about having something you never cared about till it was gone.
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