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47 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes To Share Around The Table
47 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes for 2023 — Happy Thanksgiving QuotesSkip to main content
Ah, Thanksgiving—the time of year when we get together with loved ones to enjoy a delicious meal and one another's company. Whether you're cracking Thanksgiving jokes or solving fun Thanksgiving riddles together, there's bound to be plenty of laughs. Another great way to get the giggles going is by reading funny Thanksgiving quotes to one another.
These funny Thanksgiving quotes capture the humor in preparing a big meal, spending time with family, and of course, eating tasty food. Share them with your loved ones this year and debate which is the most relatable over dinner. Bonus: These quotes make great Thanksgiving Instagram captions and wishes too!
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." —John Lyon
"Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often." —Johnny Carson.
"I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online." —Kumail Nanjiani
"May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!" —Anonymous.
Speaking of turkey, learn why we eat turkey on Thanksgiving.
"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants." —Kevin James
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."—Erma Bombeck.
"It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak." —Phyllis Diller.
"The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"—Jim Gaffigan. Don't feel like cooking? You're in luck—these restaurants are open on Thanksgiving.
"Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home."—Melanie White.
"If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, 'Man, just be yourself.'" —Mitch Hedberg.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie." —Jim Davis
"I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that." —Howie Mandel.
"I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate." —Andre Kelley
"Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before."—Rita Rudner.
"Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg." —Tom Swyers
"I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." —Jon Stewart.
"Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?" —Kenny Rogerson
"We're having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing." —George Carlin
"Even though we're a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas." —Richard Roeper
"Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty." —Michael Dresser
"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out." —Jay Leno
"If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe." —Carl Sagan
"Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence." —Erma Bombeck
"Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving." —Mike Connolly
"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day." —Irv Kupcinet
"Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics." —Stephen Colbert
"If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it's really like making a large chicken." —Ina Garten
"A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping." —Jimmy Fallon
"Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out." —Nicole Hollander
"For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag." —Andy Borowitz
"Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life." —Lindsey Bareham
"Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude." —Ambrose Bierce
"I'm looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family." —Damien Fahey
"I like football. I find it's an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving." —Craig Ferguson
"Pie makes everybody happy." —Laurie Halse Anderson
"It's Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!" —Rachel Green, Friends
"I can't cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast." —Charlie Brown
"You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, "Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave." —Dylan Brody
"A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen." —Kin Hubbard
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations." —Oscar Wilde
"You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas." —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped." —@WilliamAder
"There is no sincerer love than the love of food." —George Bernard Shaw
"I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it." —Robert Brault
"On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence." —William Jennings Bryan
"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone." —Reba McEntire
"Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap." —Adam Sandler
Originally Published: November 24, 2021
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Funny Quotes
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Famous quotes know for their humour. Quotes that can make you laugh and think at the same time.
Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
~ Franklin P. JonesIf you can't convince them, confuse them.
~ Harry S. TrumanAn infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.
~ Konrad AdenauerAdvertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
~ Sinclair LewisWell, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
~ James ThurberThe lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
~ Woody AllenThe girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
~ Rodney DangerfieldSomewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson
~The modern pantheist not only sees the god in everything, he takes photographs of it.
~ D.H. LawrenceThe honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for dinner and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
~ Bill Lawrence55 Funny Christmas Quotes To Keep You Laughing Through The Holidays
Funny Christmas quotes about family and friends10. "My husband's idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge." —Melanie White
11. "At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional." —Robert Godden
12. "Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family." —Charles M. Schulz
13. "My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in." —Les Dawson
14. "A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn't get into a single argument all day." —Melanie White
15. "There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list." —Milton Berle
16. "No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday." —Erma Bombeck
17. "More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you've been bad and good." —Linda Sunshine
18. "Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they're worth the price of a stamp." —Melanie White
Funny Christmas quotes about presents19. "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and receipts for all major purchases." —Bridger Winegar
20. "The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted." —Olivia Williams
21. "Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time." —Douglas Coupland
22. "The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted." —Olivia Williams
23. "Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help." —Andy Borowitz
24. "There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?" —Conan O'Brien
25. "Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends." —Larry Wilde
26. "I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying 'Toys not included.'" —Bernard Manning
27. "Do give books—religious or otherwise—for Christmas. They're never fattening, seldom sinful and permanently personal." —Lenore Hershey
28. "The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: 'Some assembly required.'" —John Leo
29. "The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." —Johnny Carson
30. "Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered." —Phyllis Diller
Celebratory funny Christmas quotes31. "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." —Phyllis Diller
32. "Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men and make them do the washing up." —Wendy Cope
33. "Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." —Dave Barry
34. "Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard." —Andy Borowitz
35. "One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don't clean it up too quickly." —Andy Rooney
36. "Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men and make them do the washing up." —Wendy Cope
37. "Next to a circus, there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." —Kin Hubbard
38. "That's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me." —Jerry Seinfeld
39. "There's something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh." —Kristen Wiig
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