100 Mother’s Day Quotes To Show Mom Your Love in 2024

⏩ One Liners: Taylor Swift, A2IM, LL Cool J + More

DEALS 

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Concord Music Publishing has signed a global publishing agreement with Australian songwriter John Butler. "I am very pleased to be joining the Concord Music Publishing family", he says. "It is exciting to be working closely with a team based out of Australia and being reconnected with people who I have worked with in previous years and feel as passionate about music as I do".

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Distributor FUGA has entered into new partnerships with French indie label Record Makers and Potion Records, the label founded by Belgian producer and DJ The Magician. "We are very proud to be the chosen distribution partner for some of the most renowned labels in the French region who have a proven and longstanding history of excellence", says FUGA CCO Dorothée Imhoff. "We look forward to working closely with both Record Makers and Potion Records' teams and maximising the reach of their music globally".

APPOINTMENTS

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CEO of the American Association Of Independent Music, Richard James Burgess has announced that he will step down in 2026. "Leading this exceptional organisation has been an extraordinary experience", he told the organisation's AGM. "I am profoundly grateful for the support and dedication of our board members, the invaluable work of our founding members and prior presidents who set up the organisation to succeed, and the unwavering commitment of our many members".A

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Catalogue acquisition firm The Circuit Group has announced several new hires as it launches a new label services division. James Sutcliffe comes on board as Chief Strategy Officer; Simon Birkumshaw is Director Of Operations, Label Services; Ian Massoth is Director Of A&R, Label Services; Shivani Phull is Chief Financial Officer Advisor; Bianca Price is Social Media Manager; Nick Sung is Director Of Marketing; and Charlie Tadmanis is Director Of A&R.

AWARDS

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Entries are now open for this year's Production Music Awards. The deadline is 26 Jul. "This industry is built by talented, passionate people who care deeply about what they do", says founder Richard Canavan. "In 2024, the Production Music Awards celebrates the very human art of making music". Sure. The ceremony takes place on 20 Nov at London's IndigO2. 

GIGS & TOURS

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Taylor Swift has said that her Eras Tours will not have any more dates added. That still means she'll be on the road until December though. She made the announcement on stage at the tour's 100th show in Liverpool. "This is the very first time I've ever acknowledged to myself and admitted that this tour is gonna end in December", she said. "Like, that's it".

RELEASES

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LL Cool J has released new single 'Saturday Night Special' featuring Rick Ross and Fat Joe. It's the first single from his first album for a decade, 'The FORCE', which will be out in the autumn.

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Alison Moyet will mark her 40th anniversary as a solo artist with a new album called 'Key'. Out on 4 Oct, it will feature reworked versions of old single and fan favourites, plus two new songs. Out now are a new version of 'All Cried Out' and new track 'Such Small Ale'. She will also be touring the UK and Ireland in February and March 2025. 

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Rag N Bone Man has announced that he will release new album 'What Do You Believe In?' on 18 Oct. The title track came out last month. He will follow it up with a UK tour in November. 

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Tokimonsta will release new album 'Eternal Reverie' later this year. Out now is new single 'Switch It' featuring Cakes Da Killa and Gawd. 

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Avey Tare has released new single 'Vampire Tongues' featuring Animal Collective bandmate Panda Bear. 

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Pale Waves have released new single 'Perfume'. Their new album 'Smitten' is out on 20 Sep. 

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Mike Lindsay has released new single 'Two Blues' featuring Anna B Savage, taken from his new album 'Super Shapes Vol 1', which is also out today. There are two launch shows - one at Rough Trade East in London tonight and another at Where Else in Margate tomorrow. 

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Logic1000 has released new single 'Side By Side' featuring Empress Of. The track is taken from a new collection of reworked versions of songs from her debut album 'Mother', which will be out on 7 Aug.

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Hakushi Hasegawa has released new single 'Gone' featuring Kid Fresino. Their new album 'Mahōgakkō' is out on 24 Jul.

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Jesus Piece have released new single 'FTBS'. 

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Jahnah Camille has released new single 'Carnival Sounds'. Her debut EP 'I Tried To Freeze Light, But I Only Remember A Girl' is out next week.

110 Short Jokes For Kids And Adults That Are Real Knee-slappers

Did you ever wonder what they call people who sleep in their socks? Tiny!

Are all math puns bad? Nope. Just sum.

Sheesh. These short jokes and one-liners are seriously bad, right? You can't deny that they're also pretty hilarious. But that's the point of funny jokes and corny puns: to give you a chuckle despite how utterly cheesy they are. In fact, that's what makes them so, well, grate.

If you like dad jokes but struggle to remember the punchline, you're going to love this collection of short jokes that deliver all the laughs minus the build up.

Better yet, they aren't just for dads. Nope, moms, grandpas, kids and just about anyone else can join in the fun using one of these amusing one-liners.

To ensure that your arsenal of anecdotes is chock full, we've gathered our favorite gags to ensure that you're never without a silly pun or bad joke on deck.

You'll be a one-man comedy show with these knee-slappers that'll keep your audience giggling nonstop.

Use them as ice-breakers at a family gathering, or get your pals chuckling during the next night out. Even if you keep these treasures all to yourself, we guarantee that by the time you're done reading them, your funny bone will be thoroughly tickled.

Best one-liners

I went shopping for a pair of camouflage pants. But I couldn't find any.

Bacon and eggs walk into a diner. The host says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

I told a chemistry joke once. I didn't get much of a reaction.

My dad was hit on the head with a can of soda. Luckily, it was a soft drink.

What do you call people who sleep in their socks? Tiny.

I used to steal soap, but I'm clean now.

Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I didn't go to work.

I once got fired from a keyboard factory. They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I used to be afraid of hurdles. But I got over it.

Why do dragons sleep during the day? So they can hunt knights.

Are all math puns bad? No, just sum.

What does a house wear? Address.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

I excel at sleeping. In fact, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I used to be afraid of painting, but eventually I brushed it off.

Funny jokes

Why shouldn't you marry a calendar? Its days are numbered.

Why was the broom late for school? It over-swept.

What did the comforter say after falling off the bed? Oh, sheet!

How much do you pay deer for a day's work? A hundred bucks.20

Why don't trees watch scary movies? They get petrified.

What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? "Woof, that hit the spot!"

What kind of bug tells time? A clock roach.

What did one beer say to the other? It's ale good.

What do you call coffee with a sixth sense? Déjà brew.

What's a llama's favorite movie? "Alpaca-lypse Now."

Why shouldn't you make a dinosaur mad? Because you'll get Jurass-kicked.

What do math books wear under their covers? Alge-bras.

What do you say to an award-winning cheese? "Gouda job!"

How do movie stars stay cool? They have many fans.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Where do rabbits go for breakfast? IHOP.

Why did the belt get arrested? It held up a pair of pants.

Why did the cloud stay home from school? It was feeling under the weather.

Why shouldn't you tell a legume your secrets? They always spill the beans.

Did you hear about the polite clown? It was a nice jester.

What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest? An investigator.

 Short jokes for kids

What did the man say to his fingers? "I'm counting on you."

How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn't bad either.

How do pigs do their homework? With a pigpen.

How do you hire a horse? Put it on a ladder.

What do pigs use in the shower? Hogwash.

How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.

What's the pirate's favorite letter? The "C."

What's the best way to host a party in space? You planet.

What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.

What kind of witch likes going to the beach? A sandwich.

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

Why did the sauna go to the doctor? It wasn't feeling so hot.

Why did the owl quit its job? It didn't give a hoot.

How much do dead batteries cost? There should be no charge.

Did you hear about the soap-stealing robber? He decided to come clean.

Why don't people play more hide-and-seek? Because good players are hard to find.

What did one eye say to the other? Between us, something smells.

Why are astronauts so clean? They take meteor showers.

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

What did the hamburgers name their new baby? Patty.

One did the T-rex say to the velociraptor? Nothing, they're extinct.

Why shouldn't you trust jungle animals? They're always lion.

What's the best way to make an egg roll? Push it.

Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It had a bad fall.

How do you make a squid laugh? Give it ten-tickles.

Short jokes for adults

What's a zebra? A few sizes bigger than an A.

I don't like shopping centers. Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.

What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.

I used to have an addiction to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

Why did the golfer cry? He was going through a rough patch.

Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.

What do cows do on date night? Go to the moo-vies.

Did you hear about the tree that went into banking? It started its own branch.

What happened to the archeologist who lost her job? Her career was in ruins.

How does a lumberjack know how many trees he's cut down? He keeps a log.

Why shouldn't you trust atoms? They make up everything.

Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? You can buy it with no strings attached.

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Any idea how to drive this thing?"

I once made a lot of money cleaning up leaves. I was raking it in.

I'm not a hard drinker. I actually find it pretty easy.

Why was the math book down in the dumps? It had a lot of problems.

Why do barbers make good drivers? They know a lot of short cuts.

Why did the elephant leave the circus? It was sick of working for peanuts.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag's a plus.

Did you hear about the ski trip? It started off fine but went downhill fast.

How do you know when a computer is on a diet? It quits eating after only one byte.

Short one-liners that are actually funny

I wanted to take a bath. But then decided to leave it where it is.

I'd tell you a pizza joke, but it's probably too cheesy.

I try not to tell dad jokes. But when I do, he thinks they're funny.

What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.

Why should you avoid artists? They tend to be sketchy.

I'm afraid of elevators, so I take steps to avoid them.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? They woke her up.

My mom asked me to put the cat out. I didn't know it was on fire.

What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.

When is a pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

Have you ever been camping? It's in tents.

I once read a book about glue. I couldn't put it down.

Why shouldn't you eat a clock? It's too time-consuming.

Did you hear about the car with logs for wheels? It wooden go.

What did one playing card say to the other? I can't deal with you.

Did you hear about the broken hearing aid? Wait, what?

What do you call a cow with bad manners? Beef jerky.

What kind of birds eat at the deli? Bagels.

Why didn't the elf pay his rent? He was a little short.

Why shouldn't you eat clowns? They taste funny.

When does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

A bossy man walked into a bar. Then ordered everyone a round.

I only catch cold on weekdays. Probably because I have a weekend immune system.

Why did the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.

Bob's Classic One-liners

Bob Monkhouse was famed for his quick-fire quips, encyclopaedic memory of jokes and effortless ability to improvise.

For years, he jotted down his ideas in ring-bound, maroon books, but was devastated when two of the priceless comic dossiers were stolen in 1995.

A £10,000 reward was offered for their return and, after an 18-month wait, he was finally reunited with his folders.

A management consultant who found the books was accused of handling stolen goods, but the charge was later dropped.

Monkhouse, who collected millions of jokes during his lifetime, was once spotted in the House of Commons strangers' gallery during Prime Ministers' question time scribbling down notes.

Here are some of his memorable quotations:

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time. Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard. I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers. Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted. I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance. They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now. Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights. My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said "Why?" and she said "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already". A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded "Take me to the canaries". What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals. My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh. How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in? What do gardeners do when they retire? I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out? Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money. (On his own illness) I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?' I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas. When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to? I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie." Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents? {"status":"error","code":"499","payload":"Asset id not found: readcomments comments with assetId=204832, assetTypeId=1"}

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