25 Hilarious Quotes From Dumb And Dumber That Are Still Funny Today
108 Sarcastic Quotes That Are The Perfect Mix Of Witty And Clever
Love 'em or hate 'em, there's a reason sarcasm quotes are all over the internet. Like funny sayings, sarcasm quotes play with the interpretation of words and tone in a way that can stretch your brain if you're not expecting it. To use sarcasm, you have to say something that's the opposite of what you mean (kind of like uttering a funny inspirational quote when you're trying to be anything but inspiring). To understand sarcasm, you have to pick up on both the literal meaning and the underlying sentiment. Sarcasm is a true lie.
But there can be a dark side to all that insincerity. The word sarcasm comes from a Greek word, sarkazein, that means "to tear at something," like a dog might. By the 1570s, the word had become sarcasmus, meaning "a biting remark or gibe." A sarcastic taunt can stick like nothing else; there's a reason we might say our sarcastic colleague has a sharp tongue. Instead of playful zingers like funny coffee quotes or funny work quotes, their comebacks are mocking.
So why do we use sarcasm so much? There are a few possible reasons you'll catch everyone from kindergartners to senior citizens doing some verbal eye-rolling. For starters, sarcasm is hilarious. Like perfectly timed funny quotes, a sarcastic comment can put someone rude in their place or help you make a self-deprecating joke (think: tripping over your shoelace and saying "Smooth move, huh?"). Sarcasm is also a more mature way of expressing feelings like anger or disappointment. When your car doesn't start yet again, you can turn to your mechanic and say, "I'm so glad we chose this one" instead of yelling in frustration.
By definition, sarcasm is the opposite of sincerity, and you can use it to signal that you're not naive—this is probably why teens, in particular, spout sarcasm nonstop. Who wants to seem cooler and more grown-up than a high schooler? Whether you're looking to improve your comeback game or simply enjoy a smirk or two, these quotes will teach you the art of sarcasm. (Not that you need help in the humor department.)
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Sarcastic witty quotes
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1. "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." —Fred Allen
2. "If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you." —Groucho Marx
3. "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." —Abba Eban
4. "I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible." —Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
5. "When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That's how doors work." —Unknown
6. "Have no fear of perfection—you'll never reach it." —Salvador Dalí
7. "Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." —Johnny Carson
8. "If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something." —Unknown
9. "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." —Unknown
10. "Don't be so humble—you are not that great." —Golda Meir
There's witty, and then there's next-level witty: deploying funny one-liners.
Quotes about sarcasm
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11. "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." —Unknown
12. "You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny." —Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians
13. "Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt." —Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
14. "Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile." —Mahmoud Darwish
15. "It's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm." —Unknown
16. "It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs." —Christopher Moore, Lamb
17. "My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don't even know if I am kidding anymore." —Unknown
18. "You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way." —Unknown
19. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest." —Unknown
20. "Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face." —Unknown
21. "I'm allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm." —Unknown
22. "Honey, tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic." —Megan Mullally as Karen Walker on Will & Grace
23. "Sarcasm is not an attitude. It is an art." —Unknown
24. "Sarcasm and compassion are two of the qualities that make life on Earth tolerable." —Nick Hornby, Songbook
25. "Sarcasm: helping the intelligent tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years." —Unknown
26. "I'm not sarcastic. I'm just intelligent beyond your understanding." —Unknown
27. "There is a great need for a sarcasm font." —Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
28. "Sarcasm is the body's natural defense against stupidity." —Unknown
Sarcastic quotes about sarcasm? Now that's meta. For more deep thoughts with a side of laughs, check out these funny books.
Funny sarcasm quotes
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29. "If you think nobody cares that you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." —Unknown
30. "Sometimes I feel so sick at the state of the world I can't even finish my second apple pie." —Banksy, Wall and Peace
31. "Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." —Homer Simpson
32. "When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it." —Bernard Bailey
33. "What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement." —Fred Allen
34. "Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege." —Unknown
35. "I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability." —Oscar Wilde
36. "October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February." —Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson
37. "I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain." —Cassandra Clare
38. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it." —W.C. Fields
39. "Please be patient. I am ruining things as fast as I can." —Unknown
40. "I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they're just regular donuts." —Unknown
41. "People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it's not out of my way at all." —Unknown
42. "Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood." —Bill Murray
If you're looking for a new way to be funny, these sarcasm quotes can help—and so can these funny poems.
Sarcasm quotes for friends
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43. "Zombies eat brains. You are safe." —Jon Stewart
44. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." —Oscar Wilde, The Duchess of Padua
45. "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." —Steven Wright
46. "Sarcasm is such an unattractive quality in anyone but me." —Samantha Young, Smokeless Fire
47. "If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month." —Theodore Roosevelt
48. "He has van Gogh's ear for music." —Billy Wilder
49. "You know what I like about people? Their dogs." —Unknown
50. "Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself." —Rita Mae Brown
51. "I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you." —Unknown
52. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you knew everything." —Unknown
53. "It's OK if you don't like me. Not everyone has good taste." —Unknown
54. "I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong." —Russell Lynes
55. "Please cancel my subscription to your issues." —Unknown
56. "You're not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing." —Unknown
57. "I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?" —Unknown
Making your friends laugh with a perfectly sarcastic quote is great, but making them laugh with a funny quote from a Netflix comedy film might be even better.
Sarcasm quotes for work
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58. "My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck." —Unknown
59. "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." —Robert Frost
60. "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world." —Bill Watterson, The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book
61. "Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow." —Unknown
62. "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." —Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
63. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar." —Drew Carey
64. "There are times my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut." —Unknown
65. "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." —A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
66. "I always tell new hires, 'Don't think of me as your boss. Think of me as a friend who can fire you.'" —Unknown
67. "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." —Thomas Edison
68. "I don't always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I'm probably at work." —Unknown
69. "There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?" —Kin Hubbard
70. "Don't mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job too." —Unknown
71. "I have a theory of relatives too. Don't hire them." —Jack L. Warner
72. "I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there, and I don't want you showing up." —Unknown
73. "I haven't even gone to bed yet, and I already can't wait to come home from work tomorrow." —Unknown
For those moments when you just need to tune out your co-workers, try one of the best comedy podcasts.
Sarcasm quotes for families
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74. "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." —Mark Twain
75. "Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." —Sam Levenson
76. "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." —George Burns
77. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." —Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
78. "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby." —Natalie Wood
79. "Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us 12 years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers." —Eugene Bertin
80. "Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." —Michael Levine
81. "Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them." —P.J. O'Rourke
82. "In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television." —Erma Bombeck
83. "Please excuse my father. It makes him feel young and powerful to treat us like idiot children." —Aidan Quinn as Alfred Ludlow in Legends of the Fall
84. "Keep rolling your eyes. You might just find a brain back there." —Unknown
85. "If you must make a noise, make it quietly." —Oliver Hardy
86. "In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families: that they are at least two-thirds incontinent." —Robert Breault
87. "If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance." —George Bernard Shaw
88. "Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us." —Stephen Colbert
There's nothing kids love more than funny limericks (although not every limerick is family friendly!).
Clever sarcasm quotes
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89. "I am not young enough to know everything." —J.M. Barrie
90. "Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it." —René Descartes
91. "I'd rather be partly great than entirely useless." —Neal Shusterman, Unwind
92. "Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey." —Winston Churchill
93. "A crisis is a terrible thing to waste." —Paul Romer
94. "Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else." —Unknown
95. "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." —Unknown
96. "Silence gets us nowhere. Sarcasm gets us there quicker." —Government Issue, "World Caved In"
97. "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." —Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories
Clever sarcasm quotes are all well and good, but nothing sticks in your head like a funny song.
Sarcasm quotes for relationships
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98. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." —Stephen Bishop
99. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." —Groucho Marx
100. "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." —Sacha Guitry
101. "Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence." —Ashleigh Brilliant
102. "They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." —Clint Eastwood
103. "I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx
104. "We get married to have an ally against our family." —Jonathan Tropper
105. "During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever." —Unknown
106. "Marriage is a wonderful institution … but who wants to live in an institution?" —Groucho Marx
107. "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." —Zsa Zsa Gabor
108. "Marry me, and I'll never look at another horse!" —Groucho Marx
Why not balance out all that sarcasm with some uplifting quotes?
Sources:
The Best Wedding Anniversary Quotes To Celebrate Love
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Life is full of celebrations — and we're more than happy to partake in all of them — but none feels more meaningful than anniversaries. They are momentous not just because they pay tribute to the wedding day that took place years prior, but also because they honor the years since that have been full of love, hard work, compromise, occasionally conflict and commitment. And whether it's only been a few years or 50, it's important to commemorate them when they do come around, with a party, a gift and a few thoughtful words to share in their joy.
These anniversary quotes, wishes and messages encompass all that and more, and are inspirational enough for when you need a sweet message to write inside an anniversary card or something thoughtful to share face-to-face with the couple ringing in another year together. And if you're one half of the couple celebrating said anniversary, share one of these sentiments with a more personalized touch by including personal anecdote about the night you met, a funny story that'll make you both laugh or even reflect on a hard time that really tested the both of you but inevitably showed how strong your bond really is.
Romantic Anniversary Quotes for Husband or WifeDanielle Carson
"You're my best friend, my partner in crime, my better half, my everything. Happy anniversary, my love."
"Even after all of these years, my love for you grows more and more each day."
"Thank you for picking me. I don't know how I got so lucky."
"You're my sun and moon, and all of my stars. I love you so much. Happy anniversary!"
"You're everything I've ever wanted and needed in a partner. Thank you for loving me. Happy anniversary."
"I'm pretty confident that no one on earth is as lucky as me. Why? Because I get to wake up to you every day. Happy anniversary, baby!"
"You can read my mind without me uttering a single word. We're soulmates, and I'm eternally grateful that the universe brought us together. Cheers to a lifetime together. Happy anniversary."
"Our deep, unbreakable connection is something I've always dreamed of. I'll never take our bond for granted. Wishing us a blissful lifetime together. Happy anniversary!"
"You're the person who I can count on unconditionally. Without your unwavering love and support, I don't think I'd be the person I am today. Happy anniversary, honey."
"Walking alongside you is the greatest journey of my life. I'll cherish you always. Happy anniversary."
"Your face brings a smile to my face every day and for that I'm forever grateful. Happy anniversary to the person who makes my heart sing."
"It's a privilege to be in your presence. You're not only a loving partner, but you're also just an overall amazing person. Happy anniversary!"
"I am so blessed that I get to spend the rest of my life with you. Happy anniversary, baby!"
"I couldn't survive a day without you. I'm so glad we've lived to see another year together."
"Marrying you was the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"Our wedding day may not have been perfect, but it was the happiest day of my life. Thank you for being by my side for all these years."
"This is our first year together, but we have an eternity to go!"
"Happy anniversary, honey. You make my life sweeter."
"I can't believe that I'm married to my best friend. Thank you for making each year together better than the last."
"Nothing on earth compares to my love for you. Happy anniversary to my better half."
"You're the most wonderful person I've ever met. I can't believe I get to be by your side for the rest of my life."
"Saying 'I do' was the best decision of my life. After all these years, I'm so grateful that you said it too!"
"When I wake up to you every day, I'm reminded of hitting the love jackpot. You're the best. Happy anniversary, sweetheart."
"When I think of all the blessings in my life, you're the first to come to mind. Thank you for being my person. I love you."
"You're my air and I can't imagine life without you. I love you today and forever. Happy anniversary."
"My love for you is everlasting. Cheers to another year with my favorite person."
"I'll always be your #1 fan. No matter what we're going through, I'll always cheer you on. Wishing us a lifetime together."
"When I look into your eyes, I see the most wonderful person in the world."
"Still in this together. Thanks for going on this lifetime journey with me. Love you forever."
"I never dreamed that I would find a love like yours. I'm the luckiest person in the world."
Danielle Carson
"We've made another trip around the sun together, and I still can't believe you're still willing to take these trips with me!"
"We're on the crazy journey of life together, and I can't think of a wackier co-pilot. Thanks for always being you in all your wacky glory. Happy anniversary, sweetie."
"You're the cream to my coffee — I'll always have the hots for you! Happy anniversary, babe!"
"At times, we may be like fire and ice, it's a wonder we haven't combusted!'
"We go together like peanut butter and jelly. With your big belly, you're clearly the jelly! Happy anniversary, sweetie."
"Nobody understands me the way that you do. I wonder why? Maybe we're really the same person just in two very different bodies! Happy birthday, my handsome better half!"
"As we grow old together, just remember that I'll always be the young, hot one! To many more years together. I love you!"
"Happy anniversary. You're the perfect choice for my first spouse!"
"A wedding band is the smallest handcuff ever made. I'm glad I chose my cellmate wisely."
"Thank you for growing old with me. It's a good thing I find wrinkles adorable!"
"Happy anniversary – I can't believe you're still with me!"
"I've always wanted the best for you – which is obviously me!"
"A good marriage is like a casserole—only those responsible for it really know what goes in it."
"Morning breath and all, you're still the one I want to wake up to. Happy anniversary, my love."
"A marriage anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year."
Danielle Carson
"I've never seen a couple so right for each other. You two are a beautiful example of what it means to be happily married. Wishing you many more years together!"
"Separately you're both powerful individuals, but together as a pair — you're unstoppable! Happy anniversary to one of my favorite couples!"
"You're such a beautiful couple who complement each other in enviable ways. Stay true to one another and you'll be together for a lifetime! Happy anniversary."
"You do a remarkable job of making marriage look easy. You should teach a class! Happy anniversary to a special couple."
"May God continue to cover and bless you as a couple. Happy anniversary!"
"Cheers to a couple who exemplify a good and healthy partnership. Happy anniversary."
"I admire your union. Happy anniversary."
"What a beautiful and loving couple. Wishing you a lifetime of wedded bliss."
"Family gatherings wouldn't be the same without you guys. Happy anniversary to one of my favorite couples!"
"You two are so great to know and be around. Can you adopt me?"
"I couldn't ask for a better brother-in-law. Thank you for taking my sister off of my hands! Just kidding, happy anniversary!"
"You two are the most adorable love birds I've ever known. Wishing you a lifetime of love."
"No other couple complements each other the way that you do. Happy anniversary to the beautiful pair who makes marriage look so easy!"
"Spending time with you guys is one of my favorite pastimes. You make life more enjoyable. Happy anniversary!"
"No marriage is perfect, but you guys come really close. Happy anniversary."
"May God continue to cover and bless you in your union."
"Who said marriage was hard? Not you guys because you make it seem absolutely effortless. Happy anniversary."
"I marvel at the wonderful life you've built together. You guys could teach a class on how to do marriage right. Congratulations!"
"Wow, another year in the books! You guys work so well together. Happy anniversary."
Danielle Carson
"A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year." — Paul Sweeney
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." — Aristotle
"I wouldn't change a thing, as happiness you bring. You are my soulmate. A marriage made by fate." — Catherine Pulsifer
"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." — Robert Heinlein
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years." — Simone Signoret
"In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine."— Maya Angelou
"You know you are in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." — Dr. Seuss
"I saw that you were perfect, and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect, and I loved you even more." — Angelita Lim
"The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they're right if you love to be with them all the time." — Julia Child
"Love grows more tremendously full, swift, poignant, as the years multiply."— Zane Grey
"All that you are is all that I'll ever need." — Ed Sheeran
"You are my today and all of my tomorrows." — Lee Christopher
"You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known and even that is an understatement." — F. Scott Fitzgerald
"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That's what I hope to give you forever." — Nicholas Sparks
"Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate."— Barnette R. Brickner
Danielle Carson
"You two were made for each other. I'm living proof! Happy anniversary, mom and dad."
"To the couple whose love I get to watch grow stronger and stronger everyday, happy anniversary."
"You two are the reason I know what love is. Happy anniversary to the best parents."
"The best thing to come out of your relationship? Me, of course! I mean, the best, most loving parents."
"You're the parents all kids hope to have, and I'm so lucky to call you my role models. Happy anniversary!"
"I've grown up watching what it meant to be a loving and caring couple. Thank you for being the blueprint for a healthy marriage. Happy anniversary!"
"You both show me what real love looks like. To the imperfectly perfect couple I call my parents, happy anniversary!"
"Love isn't easy, but loving you two is. Happy anniversary to the best parents!"
"To my best friends, role models and most importantly, parents, happy anniversary!"
"Your love is what keeps this family rooted. Celebrating you two today and every day. Happy anniversary!"
"It's the perfect day to celebrate the most special people. Happy anniversary, parents!"
Danielle Carson
"Hope the next [10] years are even happier than your [first decade] together!"
"It started with a dream of a life together, and the dream only gets better. Cheers to [insert number] year of marriage!"
"High-five to your [insert number]-year milestone."
"Five years, 60 months, 260 weeks, or 1,825 days—however you count it, it all adds up to love."
"One decade down; forever to go."
"A quarter may not sound like a lot in money, but in marriage centuries, you two prove it's worth a fortune."
"For your 25th year in marriage, may you receive more silver gifts than you have silver in your hair."
"Even though the years continue to pass, my love for you only grows stronger. Happy [30th] anniversary!"
"Fifty years later and all that glitters is still gold."
"Congratulations on a love story that has stood the test of time — 70 years and counting!"
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How To Deal With Sarcasm At Work
As a former senior sales director with Mary Kay and the co-owner of a renovation company, Monica Patrick has firsthand knowledge of small business operations. Besides start ups, she has extensive skills in recruiting, selling, leadership, makeup artistry and skin care.
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