30 One Piece Quotes That Inspire Us
25 Quarantine Quotes That Are Actually Pretty Funny
Quarantine Quotes That Are Actually Pretty FunnyReader's DigestSkip to main content
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Full meme ahead!There's absolutely nothing funny about the coronavirus pandemic. But being quarantined with your family while trying to homeschool your kids and work a job? Face it, things can get pretty hilarious. And weird! Are you still on the hunt for toilet paper or did you manage to squirrel away enough to last for the next several decades? Are you suddenly a homeschool teacher? Great! Are your kids just the most delightful students? No? Are they driving you bonkers yet? How about your spouse? Are they keeping things sanitized or eating all the snacks while learning to play the guitar? Read on for the funny quotes you need to get you through quarantine! If you're feeling extra desperate for a laugh (and who isn't?!) here are 50 jokes so bad that you can't help but giggle.
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Top-secret missionMission accomplished? Hopefully, you've got enough TP to get you through. Everyone scrambled to make sure they had enough which left paper product store shelves empty. It does seem like an absolute must-have, but believe it or not, toilet paper wasn't even available in stores before 1857. You may need a back-up plan yourself. So, what did folks do? They actually went with stones (hope they were smooth!) and these other things that people used before toilet paper existed.
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Best intentionsLook, no pressure! It's hard to be productive when there's a global pandemic going on. Napping is healthy. Take some time to enjoy a slower pace. You know exercise is good for you, but walks (while practicing social distancing) and some meditative deep breaths also count right now. However, if you need some inspiration to get going, check out these 8 geniuses who made history while in quarantine.
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The grass is always greenerPeople with kids: you signed up for this. You know you did. Time to grin and bear it. You'll be OK. They grow and change. Eventually. People without kids: just go back to your relaxing, uninterrupted, glorious self-care. Luxuriate. For the ones out there who can't.
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It's hard out there for a bugIt's so important to shelter in place right now, so at least quarantining helps starve the mosquitoes! Everything you love (and hate) about warm weather life will eventually return. Actually, mosquitoes are a necessary part of the ecosystem because they help with pollination and provide food for fish.
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Inside a dog's mindIdeally, quarantining with your dog is training you to be cuter than you normally are. Why do dogs get so excited when looking out the window? Is it happiness or anxiety? Don't miss all the reasons your dog does what she does—like have a sense of smell thousands of times better than yours! Here are 30 more fun facts about dogs.
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What day is it?A big shout out to tom @pilau on Twitter for pointing out that we have lost all track of time. It's a totally stressful time, but the best thing to do is to keep yourself and others safe by staying in—even if that means one day runs into the next.
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Dad still has itGotta hand it to Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes on Twitter for keeping the quarantine corny. Quaran-cringe. Buh-dum-tiss. Hey, dads out there! Time to fire up your joke combustion engine and get all hands on deck! Put this one in your pocket and pull it out when your kids need to roll their eyes again! If you need more dad-based wit, check out the guaranteed LOLs (lots of lame!) in these 26 bad dad jokes from Twitter.
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The quarantine dietYour fridge is not judging you, even though it seems like it. Three meals a day (plus two snacks!) makes zero sense during a quarantine. Go ahead and triple that and you should be all set with the proper amount of meals. Still hungry? Here are 20 extra cheesy food jokes to keep you healthy.
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Close quartersAwwww. True romance can turn up anywhere. We're so glad Vino @steelydanalbum on Twitter is giving hope to hunkered down lovebirds out there. If you need more inspiration, here's a couple who've worked at home together for three years.
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Do they ever stop talking?They're probably talking about how they want crackers too right? And snacks. And how they want the iPad for "just ten extra minutes." There is nothing like the energy of a child who has mastered narrating events as they happen, telling you the names of nearby objects, and utilizing the word "why" about everything, including facts they know—like what bedtime is.
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I'm a little lonely…Thanks to Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett on Twitter for telling it like it is. Say "hey" to the lamp for us!
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Aye, aye, matey!As a parent, you always know the best way to answer the hard questions. The perfect example of A+ parenting is Sarah J White @DrSarahJWhite on Twitter. The corona pirates are out there and so, for now, everyone is staying in. Exactly. If you need more laughs (and you know you do) here are 27 of the funniest parenting tweets on Twitter.
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Always be preparedHey, Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues on Twitter, agreed. You are the queen of this crisis. Yes! Why do we all have these bags full of plastic bags? Make sure they're all disinfected, tuck them away, or recycle them once it's safe to go out and about again.
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Who needs a calendar?If you're going a little stir crazy (or a lot) try a virtual tour of a museum to catch your bearings and get a glimpse of all the fantastic things in the outside world. You can also get your family or roommates organized for a good, old-fashioned board game tournament. Here are the best-reviewed board games to pull out of the closet or have delivered to keep everyone's spirits up.
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Who is the grown-up?Why won't parents listen? Thank you, Brigid Delaney @BrigidWD on Twitter for perfectly articulating the great irony that is being an adult with parents, who need to parent their parents. Adulting, indeed!
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Step away from the scissorsChallenge not accepted! You might end up with a mullet or a shag. It'll be OK. These hairdos will be coming back in style soon. Also, it's perfectly acceptable to wear a hat during your video conference call. You won't be the only one. Here are 11 work-from-home cartoons that we can all relate to right now.
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You got thisAnyone who was sent to their room on the regular knows how to get through quarantine. Lie on the bed, stare at the ceiling, blast the music (earphones optional), and brood. You've got this. Introverts are also in their element right about now. Alone time. It's a way of life.
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You're the teacher nowHomeschooling. Deep breaths. There are millions upon millions of students, teachers, and parents moving to online education from home. Consider it an adventure. It might be time to take advice from the experts.
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They re-invented math?If you don't put the little slash through it and carry the other number over then, is it even math?
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Pants optionalThank you, Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome on Twitter for speaking truth to power.
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Trick questionThere is no right or wrong answer here because there is no choice. Trick question! So, bunk in, hunker down, consider all you have to be grateful for and stay inside. It's the best way to flatten the curve and save lives, but everyone has to do their part.
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150 Best Coffee Quotes To Help You Wake Up This Morning
Nothing hits quite as nicely as that first cup of coffee in the morning. Not water, not tea. If you agree, make your AM brew and raise that delicious cuppa joe in a cheers to today! We're rounding up the 150 best coffee quotes to start your day off right (and don't forget coffee memes too!).
While we may not all agree on our Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts order, it doesn't matter if you're a cold brew kinda dude or a busy, on-the-go executive who won't settle for anything less than three espresso shots before 9 o'clock.
So get ready to have a brew-tiful day (and tons of energy) as coffee lovers all over sip on their drinks and start their days off strong with this list of funny coffee quotes and sayings.
Related: How to Make Vanilla Iced Coffee with Vanilla Extract
150 Best Coffee Quotes1. "No one can understand the truth until he drinks of coffee's frothy goodness." Sheik Abd-al-Kabir2. "If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all." David Letterman3. "How far behind would technology be, if no one ever discovered coffee?" Unknown4. "Even bad coffee is better… than no coffee at all." David Lynch5. "I want someone to look at me the way I look at coffee." Unknown6. "I have measured out my life with coffee spoons." T.S. Eliot7. "Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after." Anne Morrow Lindbergh8. "Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister." Bob Irwin9. "Adventure in life is good. Consistency in coffee even better." Justina Headley
10. "Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank." Alphonse AllaisRelated: 15 Must-Try Low-Carb Iced Coffee Recipes11. "There's nothing sweeter than a cup of bitter coffee." Rian Aditia12. "Doctors found traces of blood in my coffee stream." Unknown13. "Deja Brew: The feeling that you've had this coffee before." Unknown14. "I like instant gratification. It's like instant Coffee, only it won't keep you up all night." Jarod Kintz15. "Caffeine and sugar—the two basic food groups." Laurell K. Hamilton16. "Politics now is rather like going into Starbucks for a coffee." Rory BremnerRelated: Top-Rated Home Coffee Makers17. "Decaf? No, it's dangerous to dilute my caffeine stream." Unknown18. "The first cup is for the guest, the second for enjoyment, the third for the sword." Old Arabic Saying19. "Life's too short to drink cheap coffee." Unknown
20. "Everyone should believe in something. I believe I will have another coffee." Unknown
21. "A cup of gourmet coffee shared with a friend is happiness tasted and time well spent." Unknown
22. "Did I run out of caffeine or are you really that boring?" Unknown
23. "As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?" Cassandra Clare
24. "I judge a restaurant by the bread and by the coffee." Burt Lancaster
Related: Awesome Coffee Subscription Services
25. "I gave up coffee. It's almost worse than giving up a lover." Sandra Bullock
26. "Coffee in England is just toasted milk." Christopher Fry
27. "Decaf coffee only works if you throw it at people." Unknown
28. "Once you wake up and smell the coffee, it's hard to go back to sleep." Fran Drescher
29. "I'm going to start measuring the complexity of coding tasks in coffee cups. 'This was a five-espresso algorithm.'" Unknown
30. "It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity." Dave Barry
31. "Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs." Bill Gates
32. "Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven." Jessi Lane Adams
33. "The road to success is paved in coffee." Unknown
Related: 13 Cold and Refreshing Coffee Drinks to Make at Home
34. "What do you want?… Just Coffee. Black–like my soul." Cassandra Clare
35. "Seven days without coffee makes one WEAK." Unknown
36. "Forever: Time it takes to brew the first pot of coffee in the morning." Unknown
37. "I have measured out my life with coffee spoon." T.S. Eliot
38. "If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee." Abraham Lincoln
39. "Caffeine—it maintains my sunny personality." Unknown
40. "Coffee first. Schemes later." Leanna Renee Hieber
41. "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." Paul Erdos
42. "May your coffee kick in before reality does." Unknown
Related: 30 Popular Coffee Shop Treats You Can Make At Home
43. "This coffee tastes like mud! Well, it was ground this morning." Unknown
44. "I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon." Ronald Reagan
45. "Humanity runs on coffee." Unknown
46. "I could serve coffee using my rear as a ledge." Jennifer Lopez
47. "Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?" Jean Kerr
48. "Drinking beer in a coffee mug. I feel like I am cheating on my coffee." Unknown
49. "Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?" Steven Wright
50. "But even a bad cup of coffee is better than no coffee at all." David Lynch
51. "Caffeine isn't a drug; it's a vitamin." Unknown
52. "Coffee connects us in so many ways–to each other, to our senses, and to the earth that supports the coffee trees." Rohan Marley
53. "When traveling with someone, take large does of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee." Helen Hayes
54. "Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation." Unknown
55. "Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline—the first often tasting like the second." Edward Abbey
56. "We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. Trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out." Unknown
57. "Coffee is a language in itself." Jackie Chan
58. "I am a coffee fanatic. Once you go to proper coffee, you can't go back. You cannot go back." Hugh Laurie
59. "What goes best with a cup of coffee? Another cup." Henry Rollins
Related: 15 Starbucks Copycats to Save You Money While You Sip Your Caffeine Fix
60. "I think if I were a woman I'd wear coffee as a perfume." John Van Druten
61. "I like my coffee like I like myself: strong, sweet, and too hot for you." Jac Vanek
62. "I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake." Lewis Blake
63. "I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee." Terri Guillemets
64. "Coffee which makes the politician wise, and see through all things with his half-shut eyes." Alexander Pope
65. "To me, the smell of fresh-made coffee is one of the greatest inventions." Hugh Jackman
66. "I would rather suffer with coffee than be senseless." Napoleon Bonaparte
67. "My dream is to have a house on the beach, even just a little shack somewhere so I can wake up, have coffee, look at dolphins, be quiet and breathe the air." Christina Applegate
68. "Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with." Terri Guillemets
69. "Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee." Jimmy Carr
70. "There is no life without water. Because water is needed to make coffee." Unknown
71. "The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee." Unknown
72. "We busy ladies need our coffee fix in the morning. My day doesn't really start until I've had my Starbucks latte." Heidi Klum
Related: Dalgona Whipped Coffee is the New Drink Everyone Can't Stop Making
73. "I drink coffee. Without coffee, I probably couldn't write." Jonathon Ames
74. "Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!" David Letterman
75. "To make me happy: Make me coffee, bring me coffee, be coffee… coffee." Unknown
Related: 20 Popular Starbucks Iced Coffee Drinks, Ranked
76. "I'd have coffee, sometimes six cups, along with the shake, and I'd have sugar in my coffee. By then I would be pretty jazzed up, and I'd start writing down ideas." David Lynch
77. "I'm not one of those people who wakes up and thinks, 'Bring on the day!' I have to have about seven pints of coffee before I'm even remotely awake." Stacey London
78. "Conscience keeps more people awake than coffee." Unknown
79. "Black as the devil, hot as hell, pure as an angel, sweet as love." Charles Maurice de Talleyrand
80. "My birthstone is a coffee bean." Unknown
81. "Every morning I long to hold you… I need you, I want you, I have to have you… your warmth, your smell, your taste… ohhh coffee, I love you." Unknown
82. "Coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical." Jonathon Swift
83. "Coffee, the finest organic suspension ever devised." Captain Janeway
84. "I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism." Abigail Reynolds
85. "Coffee is a big part of my life." Taylor Swift
86. "Decaffeinated coffee is like a hairless cat, it exists, but that doesn't make it right." Unknown
87. "Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?" Albert Camus
88. "No matter what historians claimed, BC really stood for 'Before Coffee.'" Cherise Sinclair
89. "I believe humans get a lot done, not because we're smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee." Flash Rosenberg
Related: You're Probably Making Instant Coffee Wrong—Here's What You Should Do Instead
90. "A cup of coffee–real coffee–home-browned, home ground, home made, that comes to you dark as a hazel-eye, but changes to a golden bronze as you temper it with cream that never cheated, but was real cream from its birth, thick, tenderly yellow, perfectly sweet, neither lumpy nor frothing on the Java: such a cup of coffee is a match for twenty blue devils and will exorcise them all." Henry Ward Beecher
91. "My coffee machine is the most beautiful person in the world to me." Unknown
92. "Coffee is a lot more than just a drink; it's something happening. Not as in hip, but like an event, a place to be, but not like a location, but like somewhere within yourself. It gives you time, but not actual hours or minutes, but a chance to be, like be yourself, and have a second cup." Gertrude Stein
93. "Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer." Ralph Waldo Emerson
94. "A bad day with coffee is better than a good day without it." Unknown
95. "A morning without coffee is like sleep." Unknown
96. "If I could just find one person who I felt that way about—the way I feel about coffee—then I think I'd be in a content relationship." Taylor Swift
97. "Sometimes I go hours without drinking coffee. It's called sleeping." Unknown
98. "This coffee falls into your stomach, and straightway there is a general commotion. Ideas begin to move like the battalions of the Grand Army of the battlefield, and the battle takes place. Things remembered arrive at full gallop, ensuing to the wind. The light cavalry of comparisons deliver a magnificent deploying charge, the artillery of logic hurry up with their train and ammunition, the shafts of with start up like sharpshooters. Similes arise, the paper is covered with ink; for the struggle commences and is concluded with torrents of black water, just as a battle with powder." Honoré de Balzac
99. "Wanna hear a joke? Decaf." Unknown
100. "It's amazing how the world begins to change through the eyes of a cup of coffee." Donna A. Favors
101. "Coffee—creative lighter fluid." Floyd Maxwell
102. "Why, yes, I could start my day without coffee. But I like being able to remember things like how to say words and put on pants." Nanea Hoffman
103. "He was my cream, and I was his coffee. And when you poured us together, it was something." Josephine Baker
104. "Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee." Stephanie Piro
105. "That's something that annoys the hell out of me—I mean if somebody says the coffee's all ready and it isn't." J.D. Salinger
106. "Love is in the air, and it smells like coffee." Unknown
107. "The best Maxim I know in this life is, to drink your Coffee when you can, and when you cannot, to be easy without it." Jonathon Swift
108. "To drink is human. To drink coffee is divine." Unknown
109. "I like my coffee strong. Not lethal." M*A*S*H
110. "Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever." David Letterman
111. "May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short." Unknown
112. "Good coffee—cheaper than Prozac!" Unknown
113. "The coffee is prepared in such a way that it makes those who drink it witty. Att least there is not a single soul who, on quitting the house, does not believe himself four times wittier that when he entered it." Charles de Secondat Montesquieu
114. "It's strange how drinking cups of water seems impossible, but eight cups of coffee go down like a chubby kid on a see-saw." Unknown
115. "You make good coffee... You're a slob, but you make good coffee." Cher, Moonstruck
Related: We Had Coffee Experts Rank 13 Instant Coffee Brands and You Can Buy the Winner at Target
116. "People say money can't buy happiness. They lie. Money buys coffee, coffee makes me happy!" Unknown
117. "Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'" Conan O'Brien
118. "Without my morning coffee, I'm just like a dried-up piece of roast goat." J.S. Bach
119. "Cocaine is like really evil coffee." Courtney Love
120. "I'd rather take coffee than compliments just now." Louisa May Alcott
121. "If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
122. "A 41-inch bust and a lot of perseverance will get you more than a cup of coffee–a lot more." Jayne Mansfield
123. "What is this demilitarized zone? Whatever it is, I like it! Gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino." Robin Williams, Good Morning Vietnam
124. "Given enough coffee I could rule the world." Unknown
125. "Sometimes I stay up so late that I have my morning coffee before I go to bed." Unknown
Related: This 'Cracking' Latte is Going Viral and People Are 'Sprinting' to Try It
126. "I believe humans get a lot done, not because we're smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee." Flash Rosenberg
127. "I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, 'Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.'" Jim Carrey
128. "I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it." Unknown
129. "In movies, you have a production assistant carrying your chair around and getting you coffee. In theater, no one carries your chair, no one gets you your coffee, there's no craft service, there's no per diem. The only thing that is provided for you is coffee, tea, sugar and milk. It doesn't matter how big a star you are or whatever." Rosie Perez
130. "Coffee is a way of stealing time which should by rights belong to your older self." Terry Pratchett
Related: This Is the One Ingredient You Should Absolutely Add to Your Coffee, According to a Cardiologist
131. "Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy." Unknown
132. "Coffee has ... Expand[ed] humanity's working-day from twelve to a potential twenty-four hours. The tempo, the complexity, the tension of modern life, call for something that can perform the miracle of stimulating brain activity, without evil, habit-forming after-effects." Margaret Meagher, To Think of Coffee
133. "Caffeine—the other vitamin C." Unknown
134. "After a few months' acquaintance with European 'coffee' one's mind weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins to wonder if the rich beverage of home, with it's clotted layer of yellow cream on top of it, is not a mere dream after all, and a thing which never existed." Mark Twain
135. "We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup." Jerry Seinfeld
136. "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time." Steven Wright
137. "Coffee! Is the planet shaking or is just me?" Unknown
138. "I'll quit coffee. It won't be easy drinking my Bailey's straight, but I'll get used to it. It''ll still be the best part of waking up." Megan Mullally
139. "Coffee should be black as Hell, strong as death, and sweet as love." Unknown
140. "Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break." Earl Wilson
Related: 'The #1 Change I Noticed When I Drank Black Coffee Every Day for a Week'
141. "If you are not coffee, chocolate or bacon, I'm going to need you to go away." Unknown
142. "The powers of a man's mind are directly proportional to the quantity of coffee he drinks." Sir James MacKintosh
143. "Wine is for aging. Not coffee." Ken Hutchinson
"This is a funny story. We'd asked the guards every day for cappuccino. You know, just as a joke. And they'd come in with their cups of coffee and stuff. And so I get here and I have a spot for a cappuccino machine, and it didn't work. So I don't have any cappuccino. I didn't miss the cappuccino. I missed the idea of cappuccino." Martha Stewart
144. "Coffee is not my cup of tea." Samuel Goldwyn
145. "Life without coffee is like something without something… sorry, I haven't had any coffee yet." Unknown
146. "The more complicated the order, the bigger the a--hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half soy half lowfat iced vanilla double-shot gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet 'n Low and one Nutra Sweet... Ooooh, you are a huge a--hole." George Carlin
147. "Drinking coffee is kinda my major hobby. The great benefit of being an actor is you have all this spare time. My ideal is just hanging out with people. I think I am innately lazy." Craig Parker
148. "To an old man, a cup of coffee is like the door post of an old house—it sustains and strengthens him." Old Bourbon Proverb
149. "I don't know what I'd do without coffee. I'm guessing 25 to life." Unknown
150. "I never laugh until I've had my coffee." Clark Gable
Related: 75 Coffee Jokes You're Gonna Love a Latte
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45 Funny Dad Quotes That Are Perfect For Father's Day 2024
Funny Father's Day quotesWondering when Father's Day is this year? In 2024, June 16 is the day to show your father how much you appreciate him through various activities, like watching his favorite movie, making him breakfast in bed or getting creative with a personalized gift or card. Of course, it can be hard to find the right Father's Day message to write in the card. That's where these funny Father's Day quotes come in!
While all dads can appreciate a good ol' heartfelt Father's Day quote, let's tickle his funny bone this year with something different. These hilarious dad quotes will have your dad laughing throughout his special day. Plus, you can share these funny Father's Day quotes with Dad even after the holiday ends. Trust us, pops will be chuckling in no time. And don't forget to send him these Father's Day memes to continue the banter.
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Funny Father's Day quotes1. "You can tell what was the best year of your father's life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out." —Jerry Seinfeld
2. "When you're young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape." —Dave Attell
3. "I gave my father $100 and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother." —Rita Rudner
4. "Even though I'm proud my dad invented the rearview mirror, we're not as close as we appear." —Stewart Francis
5. "When you're young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape." —Dave Attell
6. "I gave my father $100 and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother." —Rita Rudner
7. "Even though I'm proud my dad invented the rearview mirror, we're not as close as we appear." —Stewart Francis
8. "Father's Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it's the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business." —Jimmy Fallon
9. "Me and my dad used to play tag. He'd drive." —Rodney Dangerfield
10. "We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'" —Erma Bombeck
11. "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." —Mark Twain
12. "Remember: What Dad really wants is a nap. Really." —Dave Barry
13. "I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say, 'Yeah? When?'" —Bill Hicks
14. "Men should always change diapers. It's a very rewarding experience. It's mentally cleansing. It's like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes." —Chris Martin
15. "When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'" —Jerry Lewis
16. "A father carries pictures where his money used to be." —Steve Martin
17. "To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: When you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years." —Ernest Hemingway
18. "My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic." —Spike Milligan
19. "By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong." —Charles Wadsworth
20. "Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows." —Al Unser
21. "The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get." —Tim Russert
22. "The best fathers have the softest, sweetest hearts. In other words, great dads are real marshmallows." —Richelle E. Goodrich, "Slaying Dragons"
Loving these funny dad quotes? Don't miss these father-daughter quotes that perfectly capture your special bond.
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