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Long-distance Friendships: When To Keep Them Going And When To Take A Step Back

Social media has provided a way of connecting with friends when we move away but when Annie was studying Maths at the University of York she experienced how social media isn't always enough to keep a friendship going.

When she went to university Annie struggled to make friends and felt quite isolated. She didn't expect this would affect her relationships at home, but the instability she felt at university meant despite keeping in touch online, she ended up feeling anxious around her home friends.

"I spent so long without face-to-face contact with friends that I didn't really know how to act around them anymore," she said.

But once Annie settled in at university she found she could feel comfortable around her friends from home when she did see them.

"Even though I had stayed in touch with them online throughout the year it was stability at university that I needed to finally be myself again around my friends from home," she said.

Dr Davies said reading posts and seeing pictures of what your friends have been up to can give this sense of having caught up but it also has a downside.

"You are aware that you are not engaged in the activities actually with your friends but as a more passive observer of them," she explained.

Long-Distance Benefits

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Consider a hypothetical couple, Joe and April, who have been together for two years, a year and a half of which has been long-distance. Six months into their relationship, Joe moved across the country when he was offered a work promotion. Most of April's friends told her to break up with Joe, as they believed that it would be too challenging and too time-consuming to maintain a long-distance relationship. Not deterred by her friends, April decided to make it work and has been pleasantly surprised by how wonderful being in a long-distance relationship has been.

Despite a commonly held belief that long-distance relationships are too challenging, there are many benefits. Researchers Kelmer, Rhoades, Stanley, and Markman (2013) found that people in long-distance relationships report higher levels of relationship quality and dedication to their relationships than those in close proximity. Additionally, those in long-distance relationships felt less constrained.

Below are some benefits of long-distance relationships.

Greater Independence

April has always had a large circle of friends and a busy work schedule. She has found that she has been more present in her friendships and able to take on new, demanding tasks at work. This is because she can maintain her schedule as a result of her long-distance relationship.

Being in a long-distance relationship allows partners to retain a separate identity and an increased level of independence. People can get involved with the community, seek out volunteer opportunities, or spend more time with friends and family members, without worrying that they aren't saving enough time for their partner at home.

Creative Communication

Not only have April and Joe become excellent communicators, as they are more intentional about keeping up with one another, but they have also gotten more creative about how they connect. They text throughout the day to discuss what's on their minds, which leaves their evening chats to focus on deeper conversations about their feelings and thoughts. They also get creative when it comes to their sex lives, using some of their video chats to deepen their intimacy.

Benefits of Two Communities

April and Joe treasure the time they spend together and look forward to sharing the cool spots they found during their time apart from one another during their visits. They find the role of tour guide fun and exciting even though they are now familiar with and settling in at both locations.

For couples in long-distance relationships who spend time traveling to see one another, partners may benefit from being able to explore two different communities and forming roots in both. An added benefit is that the person hosting gets to share their home base and introduce their partner to their favorite eateries, shops, etc., which can be a fun bonding experience. Having a partner in a different location may expand both of your horizons in unique ways, affording you the opportunity to be in an area you otherwise may not have even visited.

To have a successful long-distance relationship, clear communication and advanced planning are very important. While navigating a long-distance relationship can present unique challenges, there are many benefits. These include personal growth as a result of autonomy over one's schedule and needs, the deep emotional connection gained as a result of creative communication, and the ability to connect with two communities and enhance your social networks. As a result, long-distance relationships foster a loving bond that can enhance the lives of the individuals involved.

Facebook image: David Prado Perucha/Shutterstock

References

Kelmer, G., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Relationship quality, commitment, and stability in long‐distance relationships. Family Process, 52(2), 257-270.

More references

Decade-Long Friendship Between Neighborhood Deer And House Cat Is A Wonder To Behold

The Fox and the Hound is a classic animated film from Disney which imagines a friendship between a hunting dog and its traditional quarry. And though your average house cat is far too small to bother a deer, that doesn't mean that the deer doesn't recognize the creature as a predator, no matter how tiny. (And if your cat is of the one-braincell variety, it doesn't mean they won't try it, anyway.)

But not this cat and this deer. From the minute Buttons showed up at these people's house, an orphaned fawn, she began to bond with their house cat. Now, thirteen years later, they are still inseparable.

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Buttons the deer came to live with the family as a homeless fawn and now, over a decade later, she still spends plenty of time with the family, even if she occasionally goes off to mate with deer. She's had several babies of her own, who all grow up to be wild deer and some of them have even had fawns too. Buttons is a grandmother! But she still relies on the family that gave her a home so long ago, a process known as habituation. They've even given her a collar with a GPS tracker on it to monitor where she goes. (And hopefully tip off potential hunters as to her status among people.)

Related: Deer Brings Her Family to Meet Golden Retriever and We Can't Take It

And ever since she was a fawn, she has loved their house cat Rabbitcat, an Easter present for the family's kids that loves this very special deer right back.

The Difference Between Taming and Domestication

Though they are often used interchangeably, there is a decided difference between an animal who is tame and one who is domesticated. (There's even a difference between an animal who is captive and one who is tame, and that one approaches even blurrier lines!) Tame animals are members of wild species which—for whatever reason—live among humans. They are not part of selective breeding programs stretching back hundreds or thousands of years, and they could have parents, siblings, or even children that are completely wild.

Domesticated species, on the other hand, are ones who have been artificially selected and bred for traits that are most useful or appealing to the species doing the domestication. Think dogs, horses, pigs, sheep, chickens and even pigeons. Humans are not the only species that domesticate, but he way—even leaf-cutter ants are thought to have "domesticated" certain types of fungi for their own use.

Habituated Wild Animals

Even though Buttons is a tame deer, and one that is habituated to living among people, that does not make her a domesticated species. You can tell this by the fact hat she has family that live in the wild.

With cats, it is more complicated. Though humans did not purposefully breed cats the way they did with dogs and livestock until relatively recently, cats are a far cry from their wild counterparts in the distant past. In fact, they have been living alongside humans for so long that many scholars refer to the species as having self-domesticated to exhibit traits of gentleness and human-friendly characteristics so as to make them appealing to us.

As for Buttons and her half-wild life, it's the rare story of a wild animal that seems to be going okay.

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