Mom Warned As 'Much Younger' Female Lodger Has a Crush on Her Husband - Newsweek

A woman has asked Mumsnet for advice on a tricky situation concerning her partner and their female lodger, in a post that begins: "I cannot believe I am typing this."

The couple—she is in her early 40s and he is in his early 50s—have one young child. As a favor to a friend, she agreed to take in a young woman as a lodger for a few weeks. The lodger, who works for the friend's business and ordinarily lives overseas, is in her early twenties and "very attractive looking."

She added: "My partner is handsome, likeable, warm, engaging. But...He's not George Clooney and he's old."

The "weird thing" causing her dilemma is: "If it wasn't so ridiculous I would be sure she had a giant crush on him. She really seems to always want to spend time alone with him, gazes at him constantly and seems somewhat besotted...But surely not."

husband affair
Stock image of a man on his phone while a woman watches him. Research into age-gap relationships does not support the "daddy issues" stereotypes. Getty Images

In later posts, she explained that her "DH" [dear husband] was not encouraging the young woman's behavior. Rather, he is doing his best to avoid her.

"He moves beside me after she has squeezed in next to him (we are not talking just sharing a couch, she's right beside him). Then I'd have to rearrange myself and sometimes after a while he sits on the floor on a cushion for his back or moves my feet or something and she will pat the seat beside her saying 'come on, come here'...

"We all say we are going to bed then if he says he's staying up to watch something she will change her mind then he will change his back again."

Age Gaps

The woman found the lodger's behavior baffling, she wrote, because when she was 23, she wanted travel and wild nights out, and would not have dated an older man. "52 was absolutely ancient," she added.

The older man/younger woman dynamic is far from uncommon, though. Leonardo DiCaprio, Sean Penn and Nicolas Cage are among the many, many Hollywood examples, while comedian Dane Cook, 50, has just announced his engagement to Kelsi Taylor, 23. Relationships between older women and younger men are not so normalized. Sam and Aaron Taylor-Johnson have now been happily married for 10 years, but when they first got together, their 23-year age gap led to a wave of criticism and headlines about "cougars."

According to the Real Men Real Style website, research has found that 56 percent of women prefer to date an older guy and 45 percent of those women want their man to be between five and 15 years older.

Many assume that younger women who date older men choose them because they have "daddy issues," but this stereotype isn't supported by research. A 2016 study of 173 women found no evidence of this, and no significant difference in attachment styles between women in similar-age relationships and women in age-gap relationships. The researchers also said 74 percent of the women in age-gap relationships enjoyed a relationship within which they were securely attached.

Split Opinions

Before the Mumsnet poster clarified how the lodger came to be at her home, commenters expressed confusion at the situation. "Have you got a Ukrainian staying?" asked one user. Another assumed the woman was an au pair—and did not have much sympathy for the original poster: "Simple answer, pay the proper rate for live in childcare."

One person suggested, "She may have a giant crush on his passport and cash," which the woman didn't think was the case. Another wrote: "Call me cold-hearted (and I say this as the daughter of a refugee who relied on shelter and compassion on others), you need to shift her."

Some had no doubts that the lodger was making moves on the woman's partner. One wrote: "Clearly she wants to cuckoo you. luckily sounds like your DP has his head on straight. Lots of young women like older men who are handsome, funny, settled and have a bit more money than them."

Others felt the original poster was overreacting: "I think maybe you're just feeling a little bit insecure and anxious about it maybe, so reading into things too much?"

Another user was more critical: "It doesn't matter what is going on with her. You have put your partner in a s***** position and are doing nothing about it. Are you testing him?"

If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.

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